Friends, I want to ask you all to go back in time with me. But not too far back…I’m talking probably early 1990s…can’t believe its already been 20 years. I’m asking you to go back in time with me because I had a dream the other night…a dream that reminded me of something I thought had been long forgotten. But really, it can never be forgotten…because it was possibly the most important piece of plastic to have ever graced my hands.
This is the story, of the Majestic Pizza Table.
When I was a little lad, I had a very misinformed idea of what a healthy meal was.
In my head, I thought cheese was the only type of dairy, and thus essential to my diet. I thought bread was an all encompassing food that had to be a part of every meal because it was the largest section of the food pyramid.
Fruits and veggies were my least favorite, and apparently optional, because I would avoid them and still be alive. And, according to my father, protein was the single most important element in the cosmos. My dad would often say things like, “Protein is what makes you strong.” Or “Always put protein on your plate.” And the questionable, “if you forget to eat, just have some protein at least.”
When my brother and I couldn’t finish all the food on our plates my mom would mention something about African kids dying while we wasted food and my dad would bargain with us. “If you can’t finish that’s okay, as long as you eat all the protein.”
Anyway, the reason I’m sharing this with you is to give you some context as to why pizza became my all time favorite food as a child. Pizza had everything. Pizza had cheese (dairy), sauce (tomatoes are veggies), tasty crust (bread), and you could add all sorts of toppings (pepperoni, chicken, beef – protein). In my child-brain pizza was a super food. So when any food decision-making opportunity was presented to me, I would ALWAYS say “pizza.”
You see, my lovely sunflowers, there was something else that came with pizza. Pizza came with a gift. A gift that was always guaranteed to accompany every pizza box. That gift…was the Majestic Pizza Table.
Friends, do you remember that glorious moment, when you opened the pizza box? Your mouth slobbering like a waterfall at the mere scent of it, your pupils dilated as your hands touched the box, your fingers fumbling around as the hot pizza crust burned your finger tips – you knew that shit would burn your mouth but you didn’t care! YOU NEEDED TO PUT IT INSIDE YOU.
And as you munched, and your taste buds dissolved, you laid your eyes on the glorious white plastic, sitting patiently in the center of your pizza box.
There she was. She had been waiting for you. The mini plastic table, with three peg legs and circular top.
The whole reason she existed was to ensure that your pizza wouldn’t be stuck to the roof of the cardboard box. So selfless. The patron saint of pizza boxes.
She was there to make your life easy and wonderful. She understood how much you needed this moment to be perfect. No one could understand you more…than that tiny piece of white plastic.
It has been said that, in the ancient world, that there was a whole civilization that worshiped the Pizza Table. The disciples of the Pizza Table spent hours crafting its likeness from raw minerals, giving it cheese offerings, and immortalizing it through song. Legend says, the people of the Pizza Table were wiped out of existence when its leader, Little Foot, claimed dinosaurs to be the true rulers of the realm.
Pizza Table cursed the land and a giant asteroid destroyed all who were unworthy.
Okay, that’s a lie. I made that up. I’m sorry. I forgot what I was talking about… I’m pretty sure I used to get Land Before Time toys form Pizza Hut and that was my brain’s attempt to remind me of that fact in an imaginative way. Actually, imagination is kind of my point.
You see, the Majestic Pizza Table knew no bounds when it came to imagination.
I was a little kid, staring at this weird Pizza Table, asking my mother if I could keep it because I had plans. GLORIOUS PLANS.
You see, the Pizza Table was perfect for playing games with. I could make my brother’s legos stand around it and talk about world domination.
I could make it a stepping stool for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so that they would be able to reach the exact height necessary to deliver a flying kick strong enough to destroy the evil Barbie empress.
The Majestic Pizza Table was a meeting place for my Troll dolls as they plotted against the evil Cabbage Patch dictator. (I played the shit out of the board game Treasure Trolls)
The Pizza Table was the only holding device able to protect the glowing Gem of Time from evil doers, something that PJ Sparkles had spent her whole life defending against the diabolical galactic Polly Pocket federation.
What ended up happening over time was that we kept ordering more and more pizzas. Which meant that I had more and more majestic Pizza Tables. They started to change slightly in design. Some had four peg legs instead of three, some had thicker plastic, some thinner plastic. But one thing was certain; my majestic Pizza Table army was an unstoppable force. Or, so I thought…
At one point, there was an impressively large pile of these Pizza Tables in the corner of my room. My mother was not pleased.
She made me get rid of my Pizza Table collection. All of them. I could not come up with an excuse that was good enough for her. My mother told me that I was getting too old for those kinds of toys, and then stuffed away my precious plastic friends into a garbage bag. I had no choice but to watch the disposal of my Pizza Tables, because adults ruled the world. But I held onto hope, hope that I could secretly steal a Pizza Table the next time we ordered-in pizza. Not too long after, the time had come, I watched (with great stealth) from the hallway as my father payed the delivery man.
I followed him to the kitchen, as he opened the box. I only had a few seconds until he made the announcement that the pizza was here and my mother and brother would show up in the kitchen. So I popped up from my hiding spot and yelled for my father, “POPIE, THERE’S A SCARY SPIDER IN THE HALLWAY, KILL IT!”
As he groaned and made his way to the hallway, I dashed by him and bee-lined to the kitchen table. I jumped up to a chair, and got ready to claim my prize.
But, to my dismay, I did not see a beautiful white pizza table in the center of the pizza pie. I lifted the hot pizza and looked under it. I searched the corners of the box, I scanned the ground in the off-chance that it may have fallen. I even turned to the trashcan and looked inside, hoping that perhaps my father had disposed of it when he opened the box.
Nothing. Not even a scrap of evidence as to where it could have gone.
My dad came back, with my mother and brother behind him, he placed his hands on my shoulders and told me he couldn’t find the spider, but that if it returned to let him know. I nodded but said nothing. I held back the tears of disappointment. We all ate the pizza and the box was disposed of.
I didn’t sleep that night.
Maybe someone had forgotten to put one in? Maybe it was a new chef (I thought everyone who made food was a highly talented chef when I was little). Maybe the new guy didn’t know the pizza table protocol.
I reassured myself that the next pizza box would have one, so I just had to be patient. But, sure enough, the next pizza box arrived a week later. Nothing. The box after that…nothing.
Box after box arrived to our house, and I realized… the majestic pizza table was no more. Discontinued like a defective children’s toy. It would never return to my hands or my imagination. It was gone forever.
To this day, I still haven’t encountered another majestic Pizza Table.
I mean, I’m sure they were bad for the environment, with all that plastic. Maybe they became obsolete when pizza companies developed sturdier pizza box designs. Or maybe the pizza chefs devised a new cheese formula that prevented it from being stuck to the pizza box.
Whatever the reason, mankind’s love affair with Pizza Tables had come to an end. It felt like I had lost a best friend.
As I mentioned before, I had a dream the other day, where my majestic Pizza Tables had been returned to me, and I dance around in my room, rejoicing with my stuffed animals and toys. I awoke and knew that I had to discuss its legacy with you all.
So this post is my homage to the Majestic Pizza Table. You may be gone, but in my heart, you will never be forgotten.
November 3, 2013 at 8:26 pm
I used to love playing with things that weren’t meand to palyed with as well! I used to play with pieces from boardgames and we had these weird plastic things that came from a lab with tiny holes in em. I think they were used to hold the vials and whatnot.
I also used to play a lot of video games like diddy kong racing by just driving and flying around in the open world instead of actually playing the game. I think I even did that for Mario 64. I don’t know how or why though looking back at it. Like, I can’t understand I had to the patience to be doing that, I’d just think it a waste of time now.
Also you losing your pizzatables is super sad. I remember when I had to get rid of toys because to old or because moving. It was the worst.
November 3, 2013 at 8:30 pm
I FUCKING LOVED TREASURE TROLLS BECAUSE OF THE GEM AND JEWEL PIECES. They were so cool and interesting looking, and worked so well with all of my imaginary games.
I did that for Mario 64. Also in Guild Wars I liked exploring areas that weren’t meant to be played with. Like that one area in prophecies where you were literally standing on nothing in the mountains. It was funny for some reason. I think its the fact that its interesting and the area was an accident, so you get curious.
I think my attachment to my toys was a bit unhealthy… like…I liked far too many of my toys. I don’t think one should be so attached to material things. I think that’s why I developed my weird hoard-ish habits.
November 3, 2013 at 8:28 pm
OMG. How long did this take!?!?!? Such a majestic piece of work!!!!
Lol, so funny you mention this because the other day we ordered pizza, and it came with a pizza table and I was like O_o wow, I haven’t seen those in so long!
Also, your drawings are so cute <3
November 3, 2013 at 8:32 pm
Three days, lol. I didn’t mean to do so many drawings. But then I kept thinking OMG IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY IF I COULD SHOW U GUYS THIS. AND THIS. AND THAT TOO AND – omg long post ….
WHERE DID YOU ORDER THE PIZZA FROM ?????????????????????????????????????
November 3, 2013 at 9:03 pm
Yesss yessss dinos, so cute! The pizza was from…..mama carussa, or something like that around here
November 3, 2013 at 9:06 pm
Girl, next time I’m visiting…we…must…go.
November 3, 2013 at 8:34 pm
haha : ) Your song lyrics in your drawings. Your posts are always so good. Sadly I’ve not seen one of those magic 3 legged protectors in a very long time! : (
November 3, 2013 at 8:41 pm
Aw thank you Rebecca!!!
Yeah..me either… they’re gone forever.
November 3, 2013 at 9:10 pm
Seriously, your drawings are amazing and they crack me up. It was hard to pick, but I think my favorite was the food pyramid. That’s the real pyramid, if you ask me. Bread? Dairy? Sold. Must eat a ton of both. thanks for the laugh xo
November 3, 2013 at 9:24 pm
lollll, I swear, that’s what I thought the food pyramid was trying to tell me. EAT BREAD. KEEP EATING IT.
Probably why I have such carb dependency issues, lol!
Grrrrrl, thanks for yo stylish-ness. Keeps me feeling like there’s hope for me yet!
November 3, 2013 at 9:15 pm
You are too funny!! I remember those little tables. It has been to long since they roamed the world. I appreciate you remembering them!
November 3, 2013 at 9:25 pm
RIGHT??? Those tables were everywhere! Then suddenly NO WHERE. What gives!
We must keep them close to our hearts. <3
November 3, 2013 at 9:25 pm
November 4, 2013 at 1:30 am
I used to love these things! Are you going all “inception” and playing around in my brain???
Seriously I was at the beginning of this post, reading, all “la la la” and then I saw it and let out a breathy “Oh. My. God.”
PS your drawings are brilliant and you are the next Hyperbole and a Half. We’re all thinking it.
November 4, 2013 at 5:32 pm
Grrrrl, my middle name is inception – its not. But it should be. LOL You’re in my head all the time too man, we live on the same wavelength, I’m sure of it.
Aw, that’s a massive compliment, thank you, I love Allie, I plan on grabbing her book when I get my first paycheck. She is so beast at story telling.
November 4, 2013 at 8:44 pm
Haha she truly is– your drawings accomplish the same amount of honesty and randomly accurate human-ness as hers.
I need to grab her book as well…
November 4, 2013 at 8:52 pm
Stahp, you’re making me blushhh
November 4, 2013 at 4:00 am
Hahahaha!! I love that even in the early 90’s, planners of World Domination were afraid of fucking with Liam Neeson.
And we had Land Before Time toys here too! I remember getting big-ass plastic ‘puppets’ of the characters from Pizza Hut. I think my niece has them now. Oh, memories! Nice one.
And please tell me Donatello was your favourite Turtle. No-one EVER agrees with me on that one.
Love the post! I laughed the whole way through (as always) and your drawings are just the best. We still get pizza tables here sometimes. Depends where you go. They live on somewhere!!
November 4, 2013 at 8:43 pm
LMAOOOOOOO OMG, I clearly didn’t think that graphic through…but maybe the Legos knew all along. Smart bastards.
Fast food toys were the best, I don’t know how they are now, but I’m going to go ahead and assume we had the golden-years of meal toys.
Donatello was a bad ass, he was my favorite. Although I really liked Michelangelo…cause I always love the comic relief characters!
How do you guys still get pizza tables??? I’m starting to think that I’m being targeted by pizza companies, cause I have never seen one since I was a kid.
November 4, 2013 at 4:12 am
This is hilarious!! LOVE IT :D In Portugal, some pizzas still come with Pizza Tableess!!!
November 4, 2013 at 8:48 pm
OMG ANOTHER REASON WHY I SHOULD GO TO PORTUGAL.
November 4, 2013 at 8:59 am
I will never look at that little pizza table the same way again my friend! that was hilarious, that was like watching a super bowl commercial for PIZZA brilliant!!! You so craaaazy girrrl!!! and that’s why I luv u!!! xoxoxo
November 4, 2013 at 8:49 pm
LOL, yeah…I started craving pizza after I drew the first one. I am so weak willed. It’s not even kind of realistic either, I just love food too much I think!!!!!!!! Love you toooo!
November 4, 2013 at 10:28 am
Ah! Loved the post, gave me something to laugh at. We never got pizza tables here where I stay, but I probably also would have stockpiled them as though the zombie apocalypse was nigh! You should tell your mother that those may have earned you a fortune now! :P
But a truly hilarious post, thanks for the laugh of the day!
November 4, 2013 at 8:51 pm
Oh Zoe, I feel like I should find one on ebay or something and send it to you. It was such an epic toy. Well, it wasn’t meant to be a toy, but I sure as hell was for me LOL!
You know what, of all the crap that I used to imagine as a kid, I never once played with the idea of a zombie apocalypse. That would have been an excellent excuse to tell my mother…I don’t know if she would have bought it…but, worth a try!
I’m glad you liked it <3
November 5, 2013 at 1:34 am
Whatever they intended it to be, kids are resourceful. ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you can set your hands on becomes a toy inadvertently, so these Majestic Pizza Tables were no exception.
I need one. If only to seat my collectibles around now. I can dangle it on a string before my Vader… :P
Oh yeah, be the rugrat to doomsay to your mother about the zombie apocalypse… would have gone down like a house on fire :P
November 4, 2013 at 3:27 pm
I’m happy to say our local pizza place still uses those tables, which my son and I have stockpiled in a crevice under the stairs my wife doesn’t know about. Why? I’m not sure. They just LOOK important.
November 4, 2013 at 5:15 pm
You need to bring it back Ned, publicize it, I will for sure go to your local pizza place!!
November 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm
I’m on it! It’s a great excuse to order more pizza!
November 4, 2013 at 3:50 pm
so so funny :-) ….and btw) when you were younger you would have been a ‘lass’ not a ‘lad’ unless of course u were in fact a lad when u were younger ;)
November 4, 2013 at 5:13 pm
I have a habit of calling myself a variety of genders, I’ve been doing it ever since I took a sociology class and a woman’s studies course in college. LOL, its a long story. Roll with me on this one.
November 4, 2013 at 11:31 pm
I want a Majestic Pizza Table for my dinner table, one for my kids room so they can make messes and I want one for Thanksgiving so I can seat all the extra kids for dinner. When are they for sale?
November 6, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Bro, if they were on sale, they wouldn’t be available. I would have bought them all.
THAT BEING SAID, the mental image of children sitting in miniature tables and miniature tables holding up a comedically large thanksgiving turkey make me laugh harder than I’d like to admit. You should do this. There isn’t a single thing that could go wrong.
November 6, 2013 at 5:51 pm
Are you sure they don’t make them anymore? I could have sworn I got them from either Pizza Hut or Pappa Johns last time I eat there (which wasn’t too long ago). I’ll make sure to distract the kids by telling them there is a spider next time we get one and steal it for you.
November 6, 2013 at 5:58 pm
I used to get Papa Johns all the time – I’ve never seen one. Pizza hut used to put them on their pizzas, but I haven’t seen one in more than a decade.
The spider trick works every time!!!!!!
November 7, 2013 at 12:11 am
Well, I guess I found my calling. I will reinvent them and pitch the idea to the Shark Tank. I just need to tell them that I know someone who will buy a hella-ton of them.
November 5, 2013 at 12:00 am
Found you while blog surfing. You are so creative. This post is entertaining.
November 6, 2013 at 5:05 pm
Aw, thanks Lunar, that’s super nice of you. Also how do you blog surf, cause I need some physical fitness in my life, and this sounds like something I should start doing.
November 5, 2013 at 4:23 am
This post is adorable… I want to hug it, but the computer screen won’t let me. Great drawings too! :)
November 6, 2013 at 5:06 pm
Right? Fucking computer screens! The same shit happens to me when I want to eat food from recipes I googled. It’s the worst. Also, thanks man, glad you liked it.
November 5, 2013 at 8:34 pm
Have I said you are amazing! This has to be the best blog post on the Internet! The drawings were too funny and I really felt your pain when your mom threw all those pizza tables away.
I never played with one, childhood fail.
November 6, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Danielaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <3 thanks <3333333333
We have to search the world together to find one. I was speechless when I read that you had never played with one. THIS HAS TO CHANGE.
November 6, 2013 at 5:21 pm
let’s make this happen when you come back
November 6, 2013 at 5:55 pm
November 5, 2013 at 10:57 pm
This post was just so genius and brought me back to that time when pizza had the little white tables. =) You’re amazing, haven’t I told you that?? Where the hell did those little plastic tables go? They were so cute and they just made the pizza so much cooler! I loved all the artwork btw! So amazingly done =)
November 6, 2013 at 5:13 pm
Staaaaaaaahp! You’re too sweet Cristina!
I have no idea where those tables went man, but I know my heart is still broken ever since they disappeared. I hope they come back for nostalgia sake – like when Pepsi did old school pepsi cans. Pizza companies should do like a month where they bring back pizza tables, lol.
November 6, 2013 at 7:19 pm
That’s is a GREAT idea!!!!! <3 We can only hope. =) Hope you had a nice day, hun!! <3
November 6, 2013 at 3:46 pm
poor little foot. as always, this was dope. this is what i’m working on. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/11/04/weekly-writing-challenge-music/
November 6, 2013 at 5:14 pm
Ooooh, I see. I kind of already did this when there was a daily post prompt that was very similar. I can’t wait to read your musical picks!!! Also…I’m sorry to hear that you also dislike your blog name, lol… I still haven’t found one for myself.
November 6, 2013 at 5:22 pm
yeah so did i, but i’m trying to take a different approach other than “this is my music and this is me” kind of thing. and if the bear/michu can write long posts, so can the shark.
i said michu.
November 6, 2013 at 5:56 pm
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh ur a shark now, are u.
Nice usage of the word michu.
November 8, 2013 at 4:50 pm
michu, check your gmail.
November 8, 2013 at 5:31 pm
oh shit, okay – I just got back from a trip – I’m checking it right nowww
November 8, 2013 at 9:33 am
Great post. I didn’t realize that the pizza table had gone out of vogue until I read this…but I do still see them from time-to-time, mostly when I order from a small, local pizza place. Thanks for the laugh!
November 11, 2013 at 9:43 am
I am in awe of how many of you guys still see pizza tables! I am so jealous! I need to start looking into local pizza places cause I want to be reunited!
November 11, 2013 at 10:48 am
It is so funny…after reading your post, I ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut (Carbondale, IL) while in a hotel…I open the box, and viola!…there is a pizza table. I smiled, and thought of your post.
November 11, 2013 at 1:15 pm
OMG WTF MY PIZZA HUT NEVER GIVES ME PIZZA TABLES!!! Life is so cruel.
December 6, 2013 at 11:45 pm
I found a pizza table but without the table part. It has the three legs that meet in the middle. I will glad to provide pictures if needed.
December 20, 2013 at 12:17 pm
Do u all know where to get the plastic stand inside the pizza?
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