Alright, so I’m sure I’m not the first person that this has happened to, but I thought I’d rant about it anyway.
Actually, this is going to be a two part rant. Part 1 is about my lack of eyesight abilities, part 2 about the superman effect.
PART 1 – I CAN’T SEE
As a kid, I don’t remember gradually losing my eye sight… even though it probably was gradual. According to my memory, it happened in the matter of a week.
First I recall my teacher coming up to me and asking me if I was having a lot of trouble looking at the board, cause apparently I was squinting my eyes. Then in my phys. ed. class the following day we had like some eye vision test thing. It wasn’t random, they did it every year, but this year they sent me home with a note. Then I remember my dad driving me to the optometrist and telling me that I needed glasses.
Now, my dad has worn glasses since the beginning of dad history. So, it was explained to me that crap eyesight was passed down to me by the biological miracle that is genetics. So, I was kind of always destined to wear glasses. At some point, one way or another, my vision would start to deteriorate, and I’d have to get glasses. There’s no way to out run fate kids…especially when you can’t see where you’re going.
After the eye exam, I waited patiently with my dad in this museum of glasses. They came in all shapes, sizes, colors, it was crazy overwhelming. I have always been very indecisive, so my dad helped pick out my first pair. They were this kind of light brown, very circular shaped, pair of glasses. I was excited to try them on.
Okay, so here’s the thing. Before I got glasses, I had no idea that I had crooked ears. SURPRISE – I know now.
Even worse, because I had never had glasses before, I wasn’t used to having to keep tabs on their location all the time. So one day I accidentally sat on them…and made them even more crooked.
Yeah. I had to go to school looking like that.
These glasses weren’t doing me any favors man, my nerd factor just exponentially skyrocketed. Silver-lining – I could see with crystal clarity the looks of pity on the faces of my peers.
It’s the little things in life…
Anyway, as my eyes slowly started to decompose in my skull, my eye sight started getting progressively worse. I’d go back and get new pairs of glasses over the course of my life. Here’s a quick recap of the pairs I’ve owned:
I guess I was never really into loud or bright colors. Also, I didn’t discover contact lenses until I was like…17, so until then I had to always choose colors that would match the majority of my wardrobe.
These days glasses are cool and hip. I see kids running around with frames that don’t even have lenses. ARE YOU MOCKING ME CHILDREN? Why couldn’t glasses have been cool when I was growing up?
I think I’ve had this conversation with a couple of people who wear glasses before. It’s the Superman effect.
Okay so everyone knows (the audience) that Superman is Clark Kent; but no one in Metropolis would ever be able to finish that puzzle. Makes you wonder, like, they could have done anything to Superman – ANYTHING – and these Metropolites would totally buy it.
The thing is that, in the real world, this happens all the time.
On several different occasions, I have introduced myself to someone without my glasses and if I ran into them again with my glasses they would re-introduce themselves to me.
The other thing that happens to me is that people will call me another name. I’ll show up to class one day with my glasses off, the professor calls me by my given name, no problems. I show up the next day with my glasses on, suddenly I’m “Melissa.”
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GALAXIES IN THIS UNIVERSE, WHY AM I ALWAYS MELISSA? SERIOUSLY. Was there a memo that went out about how if you forget my name the automatic default is Melissa? Where did you even come up with that! Is everyone in on this? People who have never met each other, that I have met separately, have mistakenly called me Melissa.
YEAH I MAY LOOK DIFFERENT, CAUSE THERE’S AN OBJECT SITTING ON MY FACE – BUT NOT THAT DAMN DIFFERENT.
What is it about my glasses that makes people think I’m a completely different person?
I’ve heard of the Doorway Effect, where when you walk through a doorway you subconsciously forget about whatever it was that you were doing. Maybe glasses are the same way. Maybe when I put on my glasses, its like a reverse doorway effect – people who see me subconsciously forget who I am. My glasses open a realm of random forgetfulness.
The reverse doorway effect wipes away my identity when the glasses situate themselves on my face. To outsiders who may have known me, their memory of me becomes erased. This has to be the reason why people don’t recognize me…IT HAS TO BE.
What do you guys think about all this? Can you relate to any of it? Or is this just something I’m cursed with… TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
I feel like all the titles to my posts are always in caps. I LIKE IT.
So, it was just brought to my attention that Hocus Pocus is now 20 years old. Holy shit, how old am I again?
Yes, its October. We’re nine days in and I was looking up awesome, nostalgic Halloween movies…only to be constantly reminded that I am no longer a kid.
You see, I used to be addicted to the Halloween holiday. Helping my mother put up decorations was like no other drug; I’d often times make decorations myself by hand. I couldn’t stop until the entire house – interior and exterior – were perfectly spooky. I would spend the entire year as a child planning my costume, drawing out ever detail, constantly revising my prototypes to ensure that I would be the most convincing ghoul, fairy or power ranger. There used to be costume parades at our school and our compound recreational center, this was where I’d truly shine, those other kids didn’t stand a chance against my outfit. I wanted all the awards. If there wasn’t a horror or Halloween themed movie playing on the television, I wasn’t interested.I would become completely distracted from every thing else in my life – school, video games, I don’t think this was a healthy obsession I had about Halloween. I’d even ration my candy so that it lasted the entire year…something was clearly wrong with me.
Halloween was so much fun man, now I’m too old for any of it. I’m too old for cool trick-or-treating. I’m too old to dress up as provocative X, Y, or Z girl. I’m too old for my parents to make me a costume and too old to justify buying one (why the fuck are those pieces of nylon so expensive?). I’m to old for costume parties…hey wait, no, hold on, that last one was still okay. Right? Do people still do those? I mean, if you can go out to bars dressed up in costumes, what’s stopping people from still having home costume parties?
So in my hypothetical world, where I have shit tons of fun and things are as I expect them to be, I’ve been invited to a Halloween costume party! YES. Score! So I sent in my RSVP, so totes gonna be there bro. Now what do I wear?
I thought long and hard about this. And then I got a snack, and thought some more. I came up with nothing. I decided to go through my big clutterfest of a room to see if I could possibly glue something together and make it pass as a costume.
I lost my blue barracudas Legend of the Hidden Temple shirt, so there goes that. I also refuse to go as female Captain America again this year. I could just rip some clothes up and roll as a zombie (Walking Dead does start up this week!) – but I donated like three bags of clothes to Goodwill…so the left over clothing is not going anywhere.
I found the following:
Cat ears
Pichu ears??
Witch Hat
Superman shirt
Gold Medal of Mathematical Achievement
Damn it. So either I’m a cat, a pokemon, a witch, or a female superman after winning a national math-lette competition? Why am I even trying.
Pichu makes me look like I have a beard. I like it.
As I sat there, or here…I’m still sitting in the same chair, and scrolled down my blog something occurred to me. I saw my Breaking Netflix week 1 – The League post and the greatest idea of all time dawned on me (a little exaggeration). I WILL BE A FANTASY FOOTBALL WIZARD. Genius.
I mean, it is football season and I just finished watching the first season of the League. I’ve got a witch hat. I’m going to MacGyver this costume into the best Fantasy Football Wizard the world has ever seen!
So I type into google “wizard” and all the pictures show little dudes wearing big robes with lots of cosmic-themed patterns. I don’t have any of that. Not cool, internet. When you google “fantasy football wizard” it turns out that someone already came up with this idea. Yep, I am pretty unoriginal. I have to admit, it was a good idea, so I shouldn’t have been so surprised that someone else beat me to the punch.
After clicking through some related websites listing the “top wizards of all time,” it dawned on me that choosing just ONE wizard to dress up as would be a challenge in itself. So I did what any normal person would do in this situation, I decided to pick the most popular wizards and have them battle it out in my head. Welcome to the complexities of my mind.
Wizards battling wizards. It’s a tale as old as time…I think.
THE WIZARD TO RAKE IN THE MOST POINTS IN MY IMAGINARY BATTLE ARENA WOULD BE THE WIZARD THAT I WOULD CHOSE TO DRESS UP AS! GLORIOUS!!!
LET THE BATTLES COMMENCE.
So here’s my top picks, time to size them up.
(1) Merlin – from every fucking story about wizards in the history of time.
Merlin is a bad ass, and he knows it. He’s been saving knights and slaying dragons before any of the fools on this list were even invented; +10 points for that. These days he’s got his own TV shows, novels and he’s even been in a Disney movie, so his fame gives him another +20 points. Looking good Merlin. He’s not even trying. (Total points: 30)
(2) Dumbledore – from Harry Pottah.
I don’t know much about this guy, mostly cause I haven’t read all of those Potter books and I only watched a hand full of the movies, resulting in only total confusion. +3 points for being famous-ish. I think he’s a powerful bro, cause he runs a school of magic, so we’ll give him +10 for leadership. But then I have to give the guy a -10 for being killed by Snape, on purpose – what? Another -10 points for putting all the responsibility on a teenager with post-traumatic stress disorder, no parents, and a mental link to the worst bad guy to ever roam your realm. What’s wrong with you? (Total points: -7)
(3) Skeletor – from The Adventures of He-man.
Face is a skeleton, bad ass, +10 points. He is a super villain, +10 points. Has minions, +5 points. Loses to He-man EVERY FUCKING TIME, -30 points. You have magical powers, get your shit together Skeletor. (Total points: -5)
(4) Mumm-Ra – from Thundercats.
Mummy sorcerer who has lived a gagillion years, +10 points. Awesome fucking recantation: “Ancient Spirits of Evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living!” +10 points. Shape-shifter +5 points. Ultimate weakness – own reflection in a mirror. WHAT? Are you serious? That’s what puts you back in your little mummy coffin? What kind of childhood issues did you have that you can’t look yourself in the face? Medusa called, she wants her Achilles’ heel back. Damn it man, -25 points. (Total points: 0)
(5) GANDALF – THE BAD ASS GREY WIZARD FROM LORD OF THE RINGS [I love this guy].
This motherfucker. Oh man, I love this guy. First of all, +20 for being in the Lord of the Rings. Second of all, +10 for middle-earth networking. He knows everyone man, and he’s totally cool with everybody. +5 for saving hobbits, every damn time. +10 for that epic “You shall not pass.” line, I quote that to no end, love it. “I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.” PICK ME, OMG, PICK ME!!! (Total points: 35)
(6) The Wizard of Oz – from The Wizard of Oz.
I know there was a second movie, but I didn’t see it. Anything from the play Wicked also doesn’t really count towards your favor. But, +10 for being in both of those. -15 for being a total let down at the end of the first movie. +5 for cool smoke effects, I can vouch for that. Kind of wish you did more though…not really sure why I picked you for my list…if you were a Pokemon trading card, you’d be a Magikarp. (Total points: 0)
(7) Rita Repulsa– from The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
The ultimate sorceress, Rita Repulsa herself. She’s got a great dubbed voice, super bad-guy vibe, so +5 points. She is a super villain, +10 points. Creates baddies out of clay that are the size of Godzilla, +20 points. Weird side kick goons who can’t do shit right so you always have to do things yourself, and announce that fact; “I always have to do EVERYTHING myself!” Also +5 points for that crazy hair she had going on, very convincing. BUT, -5 points for taking orders from an even bigger baddie who looks creepier than you, -15 points for losing to the Power Rangers without a single success. Sorry Rita. (Total points: 5)
(8) Microsoft Wizard – from your old-school Microsoft OS.
This guy would pop up in your Microsoft Word documents to see if you needed an assistance, although you had the option of making him a dog or paper clip. I miss you man, +10 points for nostalgia. +20 points for always having my back. -15 points for being super annoying and not having any faith in me. I can do shit right sometimes, man! Give me a chance before you have to get all up in my face. (Total points: 15)
+10 points because I made you up. -15 points for not being an actual wizard. +2 points for being a part of my educational learning. (Total points: -3)
Looks like Gandalf has taken the lead with a jaw dropping 35 points. Merlin is not far behind, sporting 30 points. The Microsoft Wizard is a very far away third place with 15 points. And Rita Repulsa is hanging by a thread of 5 points. Everyone else should get their shit together. I’m slightly ashamed of my picks.
SUDDEN DEATH ROUNDS:
First up, Rita Repulsa VERSUS The Microsoft Wizard!
Oh snap, this is going to be a close one. Looks like Rita is starting it off with some clay pieces, Microsoft Wizard barrel rolls out of their way. Looks like he’s using some kind of red jagged line to rope the monster baddies! I guess that line is for more than just pointing out spelling mistakes! Rita uses her ceptor for defense, but it looks like the restraints are too much for her. BAM! Rita just hit the floor faster than a sack of bricks! Rita is down, I repeat, Rita is down! Microsoft Wizard WINS!
Merlin VERUSES Gandalf!
Merlin wastes no time, he takes out his magic missles and starts firing! Gandalf pulls off a Matrix move and dodges EVERYTHING! Amazing! It looks like Gandalf just flipped out a phone and is speed dialing Middle Earth, is this allowed? Refs are gonna let it slide. Giant birds and walking trees are coming out of the woodwork! Merlin better have a strong defense, looks like a group of Knights has appeared! Some hobbits and elves are blocking the knights from aiding Merlin. This isn’t looking good. A bird has just picked up Merlin, where is he taking him? OH NO, NOT MORDOR! Looks like Merlin just melted into dust below the eye of Sauron. Why couldn’t all these guys travel that fast in the books? Gandalf wins!
Gandalf VERSUS The Microsoft Wizard!
It all comes down to this. Wait, somethings happening, I think the Microsoft Wizard just threw down his staff. Looks like Gandalf threw down his as well, looks like they’re going to do this the old fashioned way – fist to cuffs! Gandalf strikes first, going for a high kick, but its easily dodged by Microsoft Wizard. Looks like Gandalf just head butted Microsoft right in the face! Is that legal? Who knows! This is all happening in my head! Gandalf has Microsoft in an arm bar!
Looks like Microsoft just wiggled his way out of there – oh no, and right into a knee bar!
Gandalf’s face is pure pain, it looks like he’s whispering something – could it be a spell? It is! He’s up and standing! What’s this? Oh my God, Gandalf is bicycle kicking Microsoft Wizard! And he’s down, Microsoft Wizard is down! FLAWLESS VICTORY! GANDALF WINS!
Looks like I know who I’m going to be dressed as for this year’s Halloween.
So, I started insanity a few days ago, but have since taken a small hiatus from it related to accidentally sleeping in, hanging out with people and my online nursing class homework. I have every intention of starting it tomorrow, I just need the ability to play the files in my living room…
But you know how superman has to like live his life wearing his super hero costume under his buisness-y work clothes? That’s how I feel, cause ever since I bought two new sports bras, I haven’t stopped wearing them. I mean, theoretically, I could – at any moment – decide to become super insane and do some insanity. So, better wear that sports bra. You know, safety first. Even though you do burn 84 calories sitting…and internet surfing, I feel like that amount is not enough to constitute the use of a sports bra.
Yesterday I went shopping with Super Saiyan S because she has since decided that nude heels are way better with the bridesmaid dresses than silver flats. After trying stuff on, she was right, but that’s not the reason I’m bringing this up. I may…have…become severely depressed from looking at myself in a stupid dressing room mirror. I was super disappointed when I looked very un-athletic with my contraindicating sports bra on. Somehow my super man sports bra maneuver wasn’t creating the illusion of fitness like I thought it would. Lying to yourself is hard sometimes. So, for sure, FOR SURE, I am going to do insanity tomorrow. No excuses. If that shit doesn’t go down, I have to remove the sports bras from my wardrobe. Ultimatums are super healthy, amirite? I know I don’t have to mindception myself that hard though, cause sports bras are super comfy and as much as I enjoy being a blob, I enjoy comfy things far more.
I'm just Super Saiyan 