I'm just Super Saiyan

No one tells me anything, just saiyan…


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FLYING DEVIL CREATURES

Okay, so, as a person who has a biology degree I feel that I should be able to appreciate all of the little creatures and critters that roam this earth. Their anatomy is beyond interesting, studying their traits and characteristics makes for great insight into what makes this little world of ours so majestic. We have something to learn from even the smallest insects.

That being said, I think butterflies are the spawn of Satan.

I realize, after reading that last sentence again, that it sounds pretty harsh. So let me try and come up with another way to convey my feelings…uh…uhhh…um…  Yeah, no, I stand by that statement. I really, really don’t like them.

Look, don’t get me wrong, I love looking at butterfly pictures. I love microscopic images that show the details of their bad ass wings and pigments. I think their migration patterns are cool. Their life-cycle is fascinating. I even enjoy observing their little preserved bodies in museums.

But if those flying devil creatures come near me…I can’t help it. Some kind of deep, instinctive, survival adrenaline rushes over me when a butterfly crosses into my personal space. I just freak the fuck out. I scream bloody murder, my hands thrash around defensively, I run around in a random zig-zag pattern.

I don’t even fully understand why I’m so afraid of them. I mean, I am a giant human person, I have the means to destroy every inch of those savage butterfly beasts if I wanted to…

My fear of butterflies just can’t be explained. Like, I know why I hate roaches – they’re grimy, they infest your home, they can outlive you (I don’t trust immortal things). I know why I hate mosquitoes – I have an allergy to their bites so my skin puffs up like a fucking balloon if they decide to feast on my blood, also that buzz noise they make is annoying. Moths eat my clothes, so I hate them too.

But, butterflies? I got no idea. I love everything about them except when they’re on me.  Kind of like kids with runny, dripping nose fluids…they’re cute but don’t put them near me.

One time, I went to this place called Butterfly World. I agreed to go to this place because the way it was explained to me was that it was like a caged zoo for butterflies. You would enter a room and there’d be a net shielding you from the demonic flutter monsters, so you could look at their pretty colors and shit but you were totally safe.

I was wrong.

Apparently, these net shields were optional – like my sanity. This place was like a free-range chicken farm. Those motherfuckers were all over the place and I was scared for my life. I had my hands up in front of my face, waving sporadically around my head to make sure they wouldn’t land on me.

I just kept chanting Ace Ventura’s bat cave mantra – “I am not afraid. I am NOT afraid. I really like it here. I will fear no living creature...”

Then we entered a room towards the end, where apparently prehistoric giant butterflies lived. Descendants of Mothra took shelter in this butterfly zoo, and they were thirsty for my flesh. Mothra was a defender of earth…but her children only wanted to terrorize me. In my head I instantly came up with a million escape routes, my mother and brother looked worried about my bizarre demeanor. They didn’t understand, they couldn’t save me. No one could.

I shoved my way to the front of the room where the door was, but I was too late.  Mutant Butterfree did a kamikaze nose dive straight into my face. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed and treated it like fire. STOP. DROP. ROLL. My arms flailed around, I wanted to call for help but all I could vocalize from my mouth was something that sounded like a cross between a whale giving birth and the Silent Hill siren.

Suddenly I could hear my moms voice, she brought me back to reality.

Mutant butterfree had spared me. Besides the emotional harm that came from embarrassing my family, no one was physically harmed in the altercation. I consider myself lucky to have survived. I went into Butterfly World and made it out alive. I hope I don’t have nightmares tonight.

Also, can we like, take a second to realize that Butterfree – the pokemon – is 3’07” feet or 1.1 meters tall? I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE AFRAID OF THIS.

What about you guys? What fear do you have that no one else seems to be able to relate to? What fears do you have that not even you understand why you have them?


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Job Interview

In a few moments I will be packing up some essential papers, dusting off some black heels and heading over to my first hospital job interview.

Holy shit.

So this is a big deal, but some part of me has already made peace with the fact that it may not work out. Probably because it took months to even land a phone interview and then months later I am showing up in person for a completely different position. A lot of things can go wrong right now. A lot of things already have. But I am optimistic, if I don’t get this job I’ll get another and if I do get this job I hope that its my chance to exhale. I’ve still got people in my life that I love to pieces and a family that I wouldn’t trade for anything. If I’ve got some sweet, sweet income to accompany that I’ll be pretty satisfied. If I don’t, nothing really changes. I still won’t have a working AC in my car, and I’ll still be broke. But I’ve been broke all my life, so this isn’t a deal breaker. It’s not the end of the world. Rejection is a part of life.

I like to recite to myself the excerpt from Radiohead’s “Meeting People is Easy” anytime I am nervous of any type of rejection:

“If you have been rejected many times in your life, then one more rejection isn’t going to make much difference. If you’re rejected, don’t automatically assume it’s your fault. The other person may have several reasons for not doing what you are asking her to do: none of it may have anything to do with you. Perhaps the person is busy or not feeling well or genuinely not interested in spending time with you. Rejections are part of everyday life. Don’t let them bother you. Keep reaching out to others. When you begin to receive positive responses then you are on the right track. It’s all a matter of numbers. Count the positive responses and forget about the rejections.” -OK Computer’s Meeting People is Easy

Cross yer fingers, I’m not nervous yet, but I think once I step out the door I’m going to feel that wonderfully familiar anxiety kick in.


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Stress Eaters – Part 1

“Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.” FUCK THAT GUY. Yeah, fuck whoever first said that crap. “Pots” is “Stop” spelled backward, welcome to palindrome land! Where there is no hidden meanings, shit just happens to spell things when the letters are read backwards!

Some of you may be saying “Whoa, chill out bro. You mad?” To which I would like to respond, “Yes, good sir or madam. Yes I am.” Get ready for a long post.

The reason I’m mad is because I’ve been stress eating everything in sight. Yesterday I was cleaning up my room (something that deserves a whole post by itself) and I all of a sudden got overwhelmed with how long this is going to take to finish. This feeling was quickly followed by the sudden, dire need to eat cupcakes. FUCK! I wanted cupcakes so bad. I had just had lunch too, but my body doesn’t care, its not here to make sense…its here to make me happy. And you know what makes me the happiest little school girl? CUPCAKES. So then I started having that inner battle, the one where you argue with yourself about how you really, really don’t need cupcakes but you really, really, really need cupcakes. If you have never had this battle before, fuck you. I’m sorry, that was harsh, I’m sure you have some kind of Kryptonite – pizza perhaps? Or are you into those little cake pops? Or full blown ice cream from the container? Do you get what I’m saying here? This is part of our lives folks. Hence why I want to smack whoever said “stressed is desserts backwards” in the face. You trying to be cute? It’s not cute. THIS IS MY LIFE. My life is not a catchphrase! Oh God. This…is my life.

So I broke down and bought cookies. Yes, its one step down from cupcakes, but I’m still not proud of myself. Icing makes me weak willed. Anyway, I started thinking more and more about stress eating, or emotional eating. Emotional eating didn’t pop up out of no where guys, this shit is deep rooted in our psyche.  Lifelong behavioral conditioning has taught us that doing something right should be rewarded with a piece of candy. Nailing that report card grade deserves a greasy night out dinning.  Making it through your period deserves chocolate. Shit, living with the fact that you have periods means you deserve chocolate. As if that wasn’t enough, your body gets rewarded with food chemicals that give you pleasures. Yes, pleasure.

Ever heard of serotonin or anandamide? Serotonin is a hormone associated with the infatuation you feel related to love. And anandamide is literally known as the “bliss molecule” – its a neurotransmitter that binds to your brain receptors similarly as THC (marijuana) does. Chocolate is full of these two guys. Guess what happens when you eat a piece of chocolate and your body gets flooded full of happy chemicals; your brain sends endorphins back. Yes, endorphins.  This is just the chocolate example, but I think you get where I’m going with this.

While no one is going to deny that happy events in any given person’s life probably had some junk food involved (happy birthday cake anyone?), there is a new study saying that this isn’t exactly where emotional or stress eaters get their drive to down those baddie foods in times of need.

According to a small (12 volunteer) recent study, there are hormones in your stomach that are sending signals to your brain that aren’t linked to any specific food at all.  The study’s experimental subject group were given saturated fats, while the control subject group was given a saline solution; both to the point of satiation. Tummies full, they were shown images of sad faces and listened to sad music, and guess what – neither group was hungrier after that.

What does this mean? This means that emotional eating is both psychological and biological.  Its just that more work has to be done in order to really figure out whats happening biologically. Lukas Van Oudenhove, one of the authors of this study, had this to say:

“Evolution has made every aspect of feeding as rewarding as possible… These days it may not be a good thing anymore. When food is available anywhere, then it may be a bad thing, leading to obesity or eating disorders in some people.”

Susan Albers, Psy.D., a Cleveland Clinic psychologist, added:

“Given the strong soothing effect of food on a biological level, we have to work even harder to find ways to soothe and comfort ourselves without calories… This is important in the long run for managing your weight, improving your self-esteem, and protecting your overall health.”

But while top researchers continue to study these findings and carry out additional studies, I’d like to follow up this post with Stress Eaters – Part 2.