I feel like all the titles to my posts are always in caps. I LIKE IT.
So, it was just brought to my attention that Hocus Pocus is now 20 years old. Holy shit, how old am I again?
Yes, its October. We’re nine days in and I was looking up awesome, nostalgic Halloween movies…only to be constantly reminded that I am no longer a kid.
You see, I used to be addicted to the Halloween holiday. Helping my mother put up decorations was like no other drug; I’d often times make decorations myself by hand. I couldn’t stop until the entire house – interior and exterior – were perfectly spooky. I would spend the entire year as a child planning my costume, drawing out ever detail, constantly revising my prototypes to ensure that I would be the most convincing ghoul, fairy or power ranger. There used to be costume parades at our school and our compound recreational center, this was where I’d truly shine, those other kids didn’t stand a chance against my outfit. I wanted all the awards. If there wasn’t a horror or Halloween themed movie playing on the television, I wasn’t interested.I would become completely distracted from every thing else in my life – school, video games, I don’t think this was a healthy obsession I had about Halloween. I’d even ration my candy so that it lasted the entire year…something was clearly wrong with me.
Halloween was so much fun man, now I’m too old for any of it. I’m too old for cool trick-or-treating. I’m too old to dress up as provocative X, Y, or Z girl. I’m too old for my parents to make me a costume and too old to justify buying one (why the fuck are those pieces of nylon so expensive?). I’m to old for costume parties…hey wait, no, hold on, that last one was still okay. Right? Do people still do those? I mean, if you can go out to bars dressed up in costumes, what’s stopping people from still having home costume parties?
So in my hypothetical world, where I have shit tons of fun and things are as I expect them to be, I’ve been invited to a Halloween costume party! YES. Score! So I sent in my RSVP, so totes gonna be there bro. Now what do I wear?
I thought long and hard about this. And then I got a snack, and thought some more. I came up with nothing. I decided to go through my big clutterfest of a room to see if I could possibly glue something together and make it pass as a costume.
I lost my blue barracudas Legend of the Hidden Temple shirt, so there goes that. I also refuse to go as female Captain America again this year. I could just rip some clothes up and roll as a zombie (Walking Dead does start up this week!) – but I donated like three bags of clothes to Goodwill…so the left over clothing is not going anywhere.
I found the following:
- Cat ears
- Pichu ears??
- Witch Hat
- Superman shirt
- Gold Medal of Mathematical Achievement
Damn it. So either I’m a cat, a pokemon, a witch, or a female superman after winning a national math-lette competition? Why am I even trying.
As I sat there, or here…I’m still sitting in the same chair, and scrolled down my blog something occurred to me. I saw my Breaking Netflix week 1 – The League post and the greatest idea of all time dawned on me (a little exaggeration). I WILL BE A FANTASY FOOTBALL WIZARD. Genius.
I mean, it is football season and I just finished watching the first season of the League. I’ve got a witch hat. I’m going to MacGyver this costume into the best Fantasy Football Wizard the world has ever seen!
So I type into google “wizard” and all the pictures show little dudes wearing big robes with lots of cosmic-themed patterns. I don’t have any of that. Not cool, internet. When you google “fantasy football wizard” it turns out that someone already came up with this idea. Yep, I am pretty unoriginal. I have to admit, it was a good idea, so I shouldn’t have been so surprised that someone else beat me to the punch.
After clicking through some related websites listing the “top wizards of all time,” it dawned on me that choosing just ONE wizard to dress up as would be a challenge in itself. So I did what any normal person would do in this situation, I decided to pick the most popular wizards and have them battle it out in my head. Welcome to the complexities of my mind.
Wizards battling wizards. It’s a tale as old as time…I think.
THE WIZARD TO RAKE IN THE MOST POINTS IN MY IMAGINARY BATTLE ARENA WOULD BE THE WIZARD THAT I WOULD CHOSE TO DRESS UP AS! GLORIOUS!!!
LET THE BATTLES COMMENCE.
So here’s my top picks, time to size them up.
(1) Merlin – from every fucking story about wizards in the history of time.
Merlin is a bad ass, and he knows it. He’s been saving knights and slaying dragons before any of the fools on this list were even invented; +10 points for that. These days he’s got his own TV shows, novels and he’s even been in a Disney movie, so his fame gives him another +20 points. Looking good Merlin. He’s not even trying. (Total points: 30)
(2) Dumbledore – from Harry Pottah.
I don’t know much about this guy, mostly cause I haven’t read all of those Potter books and I only watched a hand full of the movies, resulting in only total confusion. +3 points for being famous-ish. I think he’s a powerful bro, cause he runs a school of magic, so we’ll give him +10 for leadership. But then I have to give the guy a -10 for being killed by Snape, on purpose – what? Another -10 points for putting all the responsibility on a teenager with post-traumatic stress disorder, no parents, and a mental link to the worst bad guy to ever roam your realm. What’s wrong with you? (Total points: -7)
(3) Skeletor – from The Adventures of He-man.
Face is a skeleton, bad ass, +10 points. He is a super villain, +10 points. Has minions, +5 points. Loses to He-man EVERY FUCKING TIME, -30 points. You have magical powers, get your shit together Skeletor. (Total points: -5)
(4) Mumm-Ra – from Thundercats.
Mummy sorcerer who has lived a gagillion years, +10 points. Awesome fucking recantation: “Ancient Spirits of Evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living!” +10 points. Shape-shifter +5 points. Ultimate weakness – own reflection in a mirror. WHAT? Are you serious? That’s what puts you back in your little mummy coffin? What kind of childhood issues did you have that you can’t look yourself in the face? Medusa called, she wants her Achilles’ heel back. Damn it man, -25 points. (Total points: 0)
(5) GANDALF – THE BAD ASS GREY WIZARD FROM LORD OF THE RINGS [I love this guy].
This motherfucker. Oh man, I love this guy. First of all, +20 for being in the Lord of the Rings. Second of all, +10 for middle-earth networking. He knows everyone man, and he’s totally cool with everybody. +5 for saving hobbits, every damn time. +10 for that epic “You shall not pass.” line, I quote that to no end, love it. “I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.” PICK ME, OMG, PICK ME!!! (Total points: 35)
(6) The Wizard of Oz – from The Wizard of Oz.
I know there was a second movie, but I didn’t see it. Anything from the play Wicked also doesn’t really count towards your favor. But, +10 for being in both of those. -15 for being a total let down at the end of the first movie. +5 for cool smoke effects, I can vouch for that. Kind of wish you did more though…not really sure why I picked you for my list…if you were a Pokemon trading card, you’d be a Magikarp. (Total points: 0)
(7) Rita Repulsa– from The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
The ultimate sorceress, Rita Repulsa herself. She’s got a great dubbed voice, super bad-guy vibe, so +5 points. She is a super villain, +10 points. Creates baddies out of clay that are the size of Godzilla, +20 points. Weird side kick goons who can’t do shit right so you always have to do things yourself, and announce that fact; “I always have to do EVERYTHING myself!” Also +5 points for that crazy hair she had going on, very convincing. BUT, -5 points for taking orders from an even bigger baddie who looks creepier than you, -15 points for losing to the Power Rangers without a single success. Sorry Rita. (Total points: 5)
(8) Microsoft Wizard – from your old-school Microsoft OS.
This guy would pop up in your Microsoft Word documents to see if you needed an assistance, although you had the option of making him a dog or paper clip. I miss you man, +10 points for nostalgia. +20 points for always having my back. -15 points for being super annoying and not having any faith in me. I can do shit right sometimes, man! Give me a chance before you have to get all up in my face. (Total points: 15)
(9) BIOS Wizard – the one I made up because I like analogies.
+10 points because I made you up. -15 points for not being an actual wizard. +2 points for being a part of my educational learning. (Total points: -3)
Looks like Gandalf has taken the lead with a jaw dropping 35 points. Merlin is not far behind, sporting 30 points. The Microsoft Wizard is a very far away third place with 15 points. And Rita Repulsa is hanging by a thread of 5 points. Everyone else should get their shit together. I’m slightly ashamed of my picks.
SUDDEN DEATH ROUNDS:
First up, Rita Repulsa VERSUS The Microsoft Wizard!
Oh snap, this is going to be a close one. Looks like Rita is starting it off with some clay pieces, Microsoft Wizard barrel rolls out of their way. Looks like he’s using some kind of red jagged line to rope the monster baddies! I guess that line is for more than just pointing out spelling mistakes! Rita uses her ceptor for defense, but it looks like the restraints are too much for her. BAM! Rita just hit the floor faster than a sack of bricks! Rita is down, I repeat, Rita is down! Microsoft Wizard WINS!
Merlin VERUSES Gandalf!
Merlin wastes no time, he takes out his magic missles and starts firing! Gandalf pulls off a Matrix move and dodges EVERYTHING! Amazing! It looks like Gandalf just flipped out a phone and is speed dialing Middle Earth, is this allowed? Refs are gonna let it slide. Giant birds and walking trees are coming out of the woodwork! Merlin better have a strong defense, looks like a group of Knights has appeared! Some hobbits and elves are blocking the knights from aiding Merlin. This isn’t looking good. A bird has just picked up Merlin, where is he taking him? OH NO, NOT MORDOR! Looks like Merlin just melted into dust below the eye of Sauron. Why couldn’t all these guys travel that fast in the books? Gandalf wins!
Gandalf VERSUS The Microsoft Wizard!
It all comes down to this. Wait, somethings happening, I think the Microsoft Wizard just threw down his staff. Looks like Gandalf threw down his as well, looks like they’re going to do this the old fashioned way – fist to cuffs! Gandalf strikes first, going for a high kick, but its easily dodged by Microsoft Wizard. Looks like Gandalf just head butted Microsoft right in the face! Is that legal? Who knows! This is all happening in my head! Gandalf has Microsoft in an arm bar!
Looks like Microsoft just wiggled his way out of there – oh no, and right into a knee bar!
Gandalf’s face is pure pain, it looks like he’s whispering something – could it be a spell? It is! He’s up and standing! What’s this? Oh my God, Gandalf is bicycle kicking Microsoft Wizard! And he’s down, Microsoft Wizard is down! FLAWLESS VICTORY! GANDALF WINS!
Looks like I know who I’m going to be dressed as for this year’s Halloween.